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Sunday, April 15th, 2012

Time:11:24 pm.
The general motif in my life, on and off for the last few years, has been, what am i going to do? where am I going? am I spending my time properly? am I getting enough done? don't worry about getting things done, just enjoy yourself, don't go out, don't spend money, go out spend all your money and come home in a cab with a hangover and an empty wallet. Etc.

This evening I spent reading some old, and I mean, eight years old, live journal entries. First it started because I was hoping to find a list of bands that I used to listen to, all the pop punk I thought I was still listening to in high school. But as I read on and on I realized that I pretty much gave up pop punk in eighth grade and moved onto emo, hardcore, punk, crust punk and ska. That aside, I realized how much time I spent being angry, being defensive, nurturing childish emotions, telling everyone(in my head and on the internet) to suck it, to fuck themselves, that I hated them, that I hated all people, and they could die horrible fiery deaths, apropos of nothing. Also I would complain about how fat I was. Situations I can't even remember now, which is probably for the best. If I could have a HUGE talk with myself from the ages of 15-19, at the still tender age of 24, I would first just want to sit down and hold my own hand and cry until I started to laugh, or vice versa. Because NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. And I am a pretty lucky person, with a lot of advantages that I obviously took for granted. And I knew this then, but I didn't want to say it out loud, for fear that those simple things would be taken away from me. I wish I had learned early on, either from my parents or just a strong female mentor that believed in nurturing and empowering slightly troubled young girls, that the way I looked was just fine, and that if I wanted to be healthier in body and mind, there were several things I could do. And I didn't have to try so hard to want everyone to like me, and the version of myself that I thought I had to be to get people to like me was this cruel hearted, oversensitive monosyllablic sad loner looking kind of a bitch, actually. I know, I know, everyone is awkward in high school, and if you're not, then there is something wrong with you. The problem with being so insecure and having low self esteem and no self confidence when you're so young coupled with a drive to be different and interesting amongst a sea of thin and optimistic guppies is that, when you finally leave the conformist environment to find yourself or do what you think you want to do, those feelings don't just go away. They get easier, my god have they gotten much much easier, but they are still there underneath the surface. I like myself alot more now; I'm proud of what I've done with my life, and at this moment in time, I'm happier then I've been in years. I have a boyfriend that I love and that I've been in a committed relationship with for three years; I graduated from art school and am contemplating graduate school, which, at seventeen, I doubted very much that I'd even get past the first semester; I've been more or less financially independent since I graduated school and have supported myself through several apartments and jobs, which is more than I can say for about 80% of the people I know; I've made lots of friends, been through lots of friends, and had a pretty good time with all of them; I still take photographs and still want to be a photographing artist with my work in MOMA someday; I listen to a lot of different music now and sometimes I even miss new jersey, until I go there and realize I'm just in love with a bruce springsteen song; I toughed it out as a line cook for a year, which I never ever thought I'd do but I did.

Half my problem was, is, that I don't think I've ever had that much direction. I knew(and I know) that I wanted to be successful, have enough money to support a somewhat bohemian lifestyle, be an artist regardless of medium, be independent, and live in New York. But beyond that, I never thought of a definitive life plan. "this is where i have to be by the time i'm thirty" plan. now that i'm almost in my "mid-twenties", I've been scaring myself in thinking that i have to make some decisions, I have to shape my life up and do more with it. Too much time spent sitting on the computer, withdrawn from real life. I have to shoot more, print something, do more, work more in the right direction.
All I really wanted, what I really want, is just to be happy. I still don't know how I'm supposed to do that, what I can do to simply accomplish that; because it's not like, just give me an ice cream cone and call it a day! find joy in the simple pleasures! I wish i was that free-flowing; I'm sure it would have made my life a lot easier. When I came here I found the kind of friends that I'd dreamed of finding since I was crying myself to sleep at fifteen. But along that way I've become WAAAAY more comfortable with myself and my choices and have stopped apologizing so much for who I am. For example, I recently learned that I can't work for someone that I don't like and/or respect on a personal level. If I wouldn't be able to be honest with them about something that was bothering me or if I felt like they didn't respect something I would do or say, I can't just look the other way and still accept their offer of a beer after work, as much as they think that an offer like that is a band-aid for mistreatment of employees. Of course, ten years ago I didn't recognize things like this. Today, when I go to an interview and I see a warning sign of the woman who would be my boss pulling the hair of an employee to "teach her a lesson", and the employee responds by calling her a cunt, that's not a place I want to work in; I want to change my shoes, take off my chef's hat and go home. Even a year ago I would have been too shy to admit this to myself; I would have made excuses and told myself to make sure to not provoke the boss into pulling hair, because I knew that I would cry and then the shit storm would swirl around.
Which isn't to say I can't take a joke, because I see how that could be seen as a joke to others. It was funny, I'll admit. It just seemed hostile. After being called "bitchy" by my last boss though, I'm all for avoiding confrontation in a basement kitchen at all costs.

For the record, my current dream job is to work on the HBO show "Girls". In all capacities.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

Time:1:37 pm.
At school is maybe the only place i feel really at home and at ease. printing and sitting at the computers, having my effects around me, sitting in imposed comfort.
it occurred to me today the comforts that we surround ourselves with to pad ourselves, make us believe that we are impervious to the world's suffering, problems, issues. we are not daily affected by world wars, countries on the edge of emergency, below the poverty line, the plunging international economy, the unavoidable recession and unemployment rates that soar daily....and it doesn't even make me personally more depressed to write this, it's just the reality. last night chris and i sat watching the bbc world news, and remarked about how they threw in a story about hassidic diamond merchants just as a means of distraction from the major headlines. and i'm still not exactly sure what's going on in georgia. they still haven't seceded or been recognized as an independent nation? last night it was explained on the news that there are also problems in the ukraine with the russian population and their want to be recognized in the country. i think that was just a byline though.
so with all that in my head i went to bed and started reading the seventh book of the harry potter series. not necessarily uplifting, considering all the trouble in that book. i couldn't help but start to compare the state of the world to the many plots of harry potter. yes and no, perhaps. i mean, clearly, everything will turn out alright in the end, i know that, i think everyone knows that, but the interesting times are proving to be the most worrying of all.
I got woken up this morning by Corinne's alarm clock, beeping away down the hall behind her closed door. Who knows how long it had been going off...I was only woken by it at 9:04 am. It could've been going on for two hours...anyway I couldn't get back to sleep after that and I really wanted to. I feel so sluggish now. I had espresso and coffee and breakfast and I still feel tired. And gloomy. Riding wasn't even that enjoyable today; I need new brake pads. Soon. They're really starting to wear down. I suppose on Monday I could go to Continuum and get new pads.
The good news right now is that I found a new apartment on Bushwick Ave. and I'm giving Antoine ( my new roommate) a check for part of the deposit on Sunday. And yesterday I got some printing done. My nerves are shot at usual and I'm trying not to get too upset about things I can't control. I desperately want to change something, to break out of this comfortable world and try to change something for the better. My mom said that she would give me some information from her friend who travelled to the Ecuadorian rainforest and volunteered for some kind of organization...if it's just cleaning up a rainforest I'm not too down with that, I'd rather do something bigger that presents a bigger challenge, where the cause and effect is more apparent and more current.
My computer is broken, my ipod is broken, it's my last year of college at SVA, I'm working on a portfolio of sorts, I work at a coffee shop, I'm tired and feel tense almost all the time. I haven't felt comfortable at home since I moved away from henry street. I wonder if that's just me, if I've made it that way, if and when I can feel comfortable again and what I'm looking for. Maybe I just make myself sick with worry and nerves and stress about all things. And then I want to lean on my friends for support but they don't know how to sort out my brain. I guess I shouldn't expect them to...I just make myself crazy. And the wanderlust I've felt on a regular basis since I was fourteen really wants to act. But I've made excuses for myself not to go anywhere. I let myself stay in safe comfortable positions of somewhat security, though I'm not always satisfied at what I'm doing. And I keep wanting to bike message.
Ok I have to stop thinking about all this stuff, I'll never stop if I keep going.
Off to work and other things.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

Time:1:19 pm.
When I think back
On all the crap I learned in high school
It's a wonder
I can think at all
And though my lack of education
Hasn't hurt me none
I can read the writing on the wall

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's
a sunny day
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away

If you took all the girls I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together
for one night
I know they'd never match
my sweet imagination
Everything looks worse
in black and white


..but i prefer

over:

and i don't shoot slide, however...

he does have a point.

this looks like a norman rockwell painting.

p.s. i might be having a show at this restuarant on 4th ave in manhattan. i'm excited.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Sunday, April 22nd, 2007

Time:12:26 pm.
if only.....













could have been nice.
more of my "art" "work" to come.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

Time:10:19 pm.
sometimes I think I miss doing drugs, and then I watch the montana meth project advertisements on youtube, and I'm really, really glad that I don't do drugs anymore. It makes my face contort into one of pain and shock and fear...it's like the crack of the 21st century, I suppose, when people talk about a meth epidemic...it's just not as talked about here on the east coast because it's affecting the rest of the country.
i was thinking about that earlier too, how new york is so isolated, outside of the fact that it's an island. it's a microcosm...on the news today they were talking about the great nor'easter storm thing that's happening, and it's supposed to rain for the next few days before it stops. and i was watching and i was getting kind of scared and thinking about global warming but then i had a reality check because i was in the laundromat, watching tv, and i heard the chinese ladies that run the place talking and referencing the tv...and i wasn't sure what they were saying because it was in chinese but i'm pretty sure it had something to do with the storm as well as the houses and businesses that are being flooded in the long island and new jersey, not everything but a lot of places especially along the coast, and i feel like they were probably saying oh wow, the news here is kind of blowing this up and it is a big deal but this kind of stuff happens often in other states in the U.S. and we don't talk about it here because it doesn't affect us. Hurricanes and storms and earthquakes happen in China all the time and it's considered common...but what I mean is that in New York everyone's freaked but it's not that crazy, it's not that terrorizing, it happens, and yes, the weather is more extreme now because of global warming that's making itself more apparent but it's kind of natural that it's happening.
anyway, writing that has calmed me down a bit. i put a puzzle together today, it's a picture of a bunny sitting a computer. it's really cute.
i really like the rain but not when it negatively affects people's housing and business situations.



a photograph from fall semester.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Sunday, March 18th, 2007

Subject:photo seminar
Time:7:56 pm.
does anyone have any recommendations for who to take for Photo Seminar? I have Eric Weeks now but I was thinking about Elinor Carucci....any and all advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks!
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Saturday, February 24th, 2007

Time:3:05 pm.
thoughts:

this too, is how memory works.

printing, talking to my father. simple thoughts about how moronic i think he is, and how much i wish i was doing other things. how i think about high school and photographs i've taken, what i want to take, where i was, sitting in my car at the riker hill art park drinking coffee and talking to julianne. how when we were younger she always posed for pictures and now she hates it when i take her picture. "taking her picture" sounds like such a proccess....i'm mostly just clicking a button at a certain point.
i think, how it's not that i miss livingston, i might miss new jersey, but mostly i just miss growing up.
i'm still growing up and i don't know shit but it's like i'm settled now in some certain place, because i'm living here in manhattan and going to this school where everyone talks about what they're doing all the time, who they know, who they're interning with, where they're living next semester, etc. how they got the best apartment for the cheapest price in this new up and coming neighborhood. meanwhile i'm trying to decide if i have enough money on my credit card for a bagel. that's okay, isn't it?
it's like it's not okay to be struggling and not sure, in this day and age in this city. i really want to leave, but then i can't leave. i'm going to florida next week for four days with Josh and my mom. i'm really looking forward to that. i really miss last summer. that's when i felt like i really lived here. i was always broke but it didn't really matter, i had such a flexible system and i didn't feel so stressed all the time. maybe i should have photographed(worked) more...but i had no place to print. when i'm not photographing i miss it, when i have to churn work out like a machine i feel overloaded and uncreative. i feel like it's all bullshit. that's really the truth. i like being at school though, it's so comforting. it's like my second home. this building, this floor. i'm here about five days a week. on the surface i complain but i love doing it.

1 belief| jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Sunday, December 24th, 2006

Subject:the year in review.
Time:6:15 pm.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
a few kinds of drugs, lived in an apartment with several roommates, thoroughly enjoyed my birthday, coat check at a bar, depended on my father for money...etc.


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i didn't make any resolutions last year, but i intend to make some for the next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes, and it was quite sad.

5. What countries did you visit?
none


6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
i think it's the same things as last year; a reliable, kind boyfriend, and a better portfolio.


7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
august 28th, the day that erica died....and the two weeks in november when the only thing i could think about was anna song in the hospital.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting an apartment in manhattan, making it through the third semester of sva.

9. What was your biggest failure?

...don't know..just personality flaws.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not really


11. What was the best thing you bought?
i can't think of anything significant that i've bought in the last year that has majorly improved my life...i've been spending my money on the same things for the last year; food, coffee, american apparel clothes, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
no one

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
anna's

14. Where did most of your money go?
coffee and american apparel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the start of my second school year at sva

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
pitseleh by elliott smith
bridges and balloons by joanna newsom
the whole "begin to hope" album by regina spektor

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? a bit sadder, a bit lonelier because it's christmas eve.
ii. thinner or fatter? about the same
iii. richer or poorer? about the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
gotten out of new york

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
complaining

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
tomorrow i will be spending christmas alone for the most part, then going to new jersey where my mom will pick me up, and my brother and i will eat food, smoke pot preferably, and watch the christmas story marathon on tbs.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
no i did not.

23. How many one-night stands?
one, but it turned into a two night stand. that counts.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
i didn't have a tv for seven months of 2006, but i did and do watch an awful lot of degrassi.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate is a strong word, i guess i don't really hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?
i finally finished The World According To Garp which was pretty great.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
joanna newsom, mirah, elliott smith, regina spektor, tapes n tapes, and architecture in helsinki.

28. What did you want and get?
i wanted to move into an apartment, and i got that. i wanted a better portfolio, and got that. but i'm looking towards the future.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
hm...little miss sunshine was pretty great.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i had a birthday weekend extravaganza...i hung out with oscar and dennis on the actual day on st. marks and some bar called detour, then lucia and lauren threw me a party and most of my friends showed up, and then my mom and my brothers came into new york and we had brunch at this cute french/american restuarant. i turned 19.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
someone to lurrrve

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
american apparel hipster sva vintagey stuff.

34. What kept you sane?
photography

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i don't really know. i didn't get really get into celebrities this year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
well, the environmental crisis is scaring the shit out of me right now.

37. Who did you miss?
my family and certain people at different times

38. Who were the best new people you met?
len delessio was pretty cool

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
cocaine and alcohol is a bad combination, as is dwelling on drama with friends and stuff of that sort because in the end, it's not important.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

daddy was a bankrobber
but he never hurt nobody
he just loved to live that way
and he loved to take your money.
1 belief| jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Friday, October 13th, 2006

Subject:second semester, sva
Time:6:39 pm.









this is all stuff from last semester. i'm working on new stuff now though.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Time:6:37 pm.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Subject:integers
Time:4:23 am.
it's very early or very late, depending on how you look at it.

i like rediscovering music.
i should post more photographs on this, this way more people would look at it, and i could direct these so called really interested people to one spot.
i feel like when i hang out with people that aren't as angry as i usually appear to be, or aren't as....ME as I am (which i really hate sometimes) it makes me want to be more relaxed, not blow up at things, it makes me not want to be me. sometimes i really wish i wasn't me so much. like if i was perpetually working on art etc that i wouldn't need to stop and think about other things.
i feel like my father is constantly watching everything i do.

anyway,



here's the start of it.
this is a 4X5 polaroid from the second day of studio class.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Monday, September 4th, 2006

Time:1:39 am.
i have a headace from not sleeping. i ate lauren's sandwich because she wasn't here to stop me, but lucia distracted me for a second and i almost choked on it.
tomorrow i have to get razors and assorted accesories.
i'd like to know how sound is generated from a record into speakers and then played for me to enjoy. i got four new records today at the hell's kitchen flea market; the jacksons, live (as in michael, tito, randy and jermaine...and that other one), the soundtrack to the movie "the flamingo kid", crosby & nash, and a whitney houston album from the 80's. i know what's important.
i'd like to cut anna loose. i don't want to pay her fifty dollars. I don't think it's fair. Not the way my mom rationalized it, which is i guess rational. she kind of guilted me into paying it because i broke a promise because my parents couldn't afford to pay for all the expenses. it was just so ridiculous. and now she's living in a studio in midtown. and paying even more money. lately, in the last four months, i've noticed how shallow and vapid she is. it really bothers me. i don't really need this friendship. and i don't need this headache of this money. i just don't think it's fair. i already paid $50 bucks and i don't think her parents are going to suffer without this. i think her mom hates me anyway. she's so....weird. she never talks to me or asks me about myself. she never speaks english around me. she just ignores me and it's really rude and uncomfortable.
i just want to think about school. that's it. i want to think about my other friends, friends that are good.

i don't wanna do that stuff, the choreography is old, the costumes are old, i wanna do the new stuff!
c'mon michael!!!!

alright guys, i'll do the new stuff for you.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Monday, July 17th, 2006

Time:1:45 am.
Mood: tired.
ran into Ian tonight on Houston. It was amusing, he was really drunk. BUt it was good to see him...i'm not really sure what I want to say about it. He gave me his number and took mine because he said he wants me to take pictures of his band or something like that, his group. He asked me what name I go by now, which is a nice way to say "hey i forgot your name mostly because i'm drunk but yeah what is it?". It's cool though.
I was going to see dennis today but i didn't feel hanging around waiting for his store to open. i'm kind of pissed about the fact that he blew me off on friday. i know i ended up hanging out with daniel anyway but that's not the point.
i was at work tonight trying to analyze why a lot of my friends are men that are at least four years older than me. it seems like an absentee father complex. which makes sense in a way but i don't really want to get into it.
i wish i had a darkroom to work with. if art school made me lazy, summer made me lazier and i haven't really done jack squat. i haven't really had the means to either but...i don't know. i wish i made more money. and i wish i had some drugs.
i read celebrity gossip magazines at work tonight too. life and style profiled lindsay lohan's birthday. it was super cute.

i think lauren and alex are on the roof making out or something.

great. i guess i'll go on the fire escape to smoke. i wish i had the guts to ask jeremy out. ugh. i'm sick of everything. i just want something to start. this summer has been fun and interesting but i want school to start again, i want the ideas in my head to become working projects, i want something to do again. i want to worry about something besides how much money i have in my pocket or if i'm going to get another job.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Friday, June 2nd, 2006

Subject:dadaism
Time:11:59 pm.
i feel like a hack. like maybe i don't have any talent at all and i've just managed to fool everyone, including myself, that i have talent. that maybe my work is just bullshit, and there's nothing special and unique about it.
am i right? i don't know. i don't know, i feel like i don't know anything. i feel confused and unsure of everything. my dad's really good at doing this to me. i was feeling okay a few days ago.

i hate digital photography and i hate tabloid photography and i hate my father and he doesn't know anything about anything, he has no friends and no life and just makes shit up in his head. but i'm an offspring of him, so i must have characteristics of him in me, so isn't there a part of me that might go down the same path that he's chosen? i'm scared and i don't know waht i'm doing in my life and all that shit and i wish i didn't have to think about this but apparently i don't have time to relax and just chill for a month or so because that doesn't exist to my dad. he fucked up my brothers but they ignored him and did what they wanted to and slacked up and fucked up and smoked so much weed that they didn't have to think about it anymore. but i'm not like that, i chose to do what i'm doing, knowing how risky it is not to have a career in what i want. i'm the one who did really well in my last year of high school, and my first year of college, and up until my dad found out how well i was doing in school, he didn't think i would amount to anything, and that i should just go to a crappy state school where i wouldn't learn anything and sink into a hole of depression. he didn't care. all of a sudden i get good grades and i'm perfect to him, but i'll never be perfect, i'll never be what he wants me to be, and i won't be what my mom wants me to be, and i kind of know what i want but what i want the most is to stop having my parents' ideals in my head all the time because it just fucks with my head and i get all confused. with my dad i had to grow up too fast and my mom tried to slow everything down but it didn't work, we're all fucked up, and that's why i get like this sometimes. i just want to create perfect things. i want to create perfect solid lovely images that make someone feel something, even if it is a commercial image, that's fine. i want to create perfection, i want to do that for me so that even if everything else in my life is bullshit and fucked up and confusing and hard at least that one thing that i made, that i did, just me, is right. if just that is okay, i did a good job, it was right, that's what i want. i don't want to fail or fuck up and yet sometimes i can't help doing that, i can't keep everything in perfect order because i know i don't believe in that absolutely. i want to be able to chill and i can't. i feel like i'm stuck in between two separate worlds and they're tugging at each other but at the same time they're nonchalant, they ignore me, they don't care what i'm doing until it affects them. it's literal and figurative and really real.
maybe something in all of these words relates to why i like surrealism.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Time:1:34 am.
fucking terry richardson.

kind of dirty but really fucking talented...bastard.
it would be a pretty fucking cool internship or job anything of that nature to assist his shoots. and stuff like that.
he shoots for all the magazines that i'd like to someday shoot for and he did that amazing miu miu ad with maggie gyllenhall.

arrrrgh
the only story that makes me madder about photo is nan goldin who just gave some gallery a box of rough prints and they said show me more and within a few months she had a fucking show. i mean she's amazing and talented and my favorite photographer but still.
if only it were that easy.
1 belief| jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Friday, February 10th, 2006

Time:5:15 pm.
Mood: crappy.
so apparently i can't eat food without feeling sick. and throwing up. wtf. why am i sick? i feel so weak. i don't really want to get out of bed. i'm just so tired. i wish i had more motivation.
tomorrow i have work and i'm going to shoot adrienne after that. i'm looking forward to that.
i dyed my hair today.
it's weird because i feel kind of hungry and kind of sick at the same time. man all i wanted was a BLT today.
i feel like elle is ignoring me. what the fuck.
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Subject:what i've been up to lately.
Time:1:08 am.
Image hosting by Photobucket

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Image hosting by Photobucket

these are ones that i took.

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Image hosting by Photobucket
3 beliefs| jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

Time:1:53 am.
Mood: thoughtful.
i can really misjudge people sometimes. i can be really naive. i can believe the best in people because i don't want to think that they could let me down. that's what happened this time with this new boy and what has happened since i started dating at thirteen and what will probably continue to happen till i get married and then divorced because i misjudged the whole situation. why do i do this? i never know and you never can tell and i'm sick of these jerks that i get trampled on by.

i wish 71 irving was open right now.
i got my septum pierced again and it feels pretty weird to have it pierced again and not have to hide it from my mother.
i'm kind of cold. it is winter and i am currently refusing to recognize it and in turn, suffering for it.
i hate all the creepy men in new york city that stare at me or do this weird flirt thing that is disgusting and makes me hate old disgusting creepy men...it makes me not want to trust any one of them i meet. the men at pick a bagel are safe...but that's all i've got so far.

i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, whatever the cause may be. i just want it to happen.
2 beliefs| jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Friday, December 30th, 2005

Time:1:47 am.
Mood: drunk.
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
went to brooklyn for a few parties, went to art school, hooked up with two boys within two weeks, lived in a dorm, got drunk for a weekends in a row, went to my boyfriend's apartment, got drunk munchies at the seven eleven down the street, went to boston,...i'm sure there is more but i don't remember all of it.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i stopped making those years ago

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
none


6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a boyfriend that didn't lie, a better portfolio.....an apartment for the summer


7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
august 28th, the day i moved into the sva dorm aka the former crackhouse hotel known as the george washington hotel

november 12-the day jim broke up with me


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i guess my portfolio which could have been better possibly but wasn't too bad.

9. What was your biggest failure?

trying too hard to make someone still like me


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i had a few colds and the flu i think...or maybe it's just aids


11. What was the best thing you bought?
all the new shit i just bought from boston

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my own

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
everyone i know....seriously. every single one i know.

14. Where did most of your money go?
cigarettes, food, cd's until i moved to new york and haven't been able to afford anything except cigs and food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
coming to sva, hanging out with jim/being jim's girlfiend

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
combat baby-metric

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? definitely happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
been more confident...i'm fucking awesome, how could i ever doubt it

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worried, been depressed because i was livingston and i thought i'd never leave

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent christmas going to lyric diner around midnight and then walking to ave. d till 3, sleeping off the alcohol i drank the night before, working from 6-10, and then driving back to new jersey after that.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
nah...it wasn't love i definitely liked him more after he broke up with me for some stupid reason

23. How many one-night stands?
haha i guess none but kind of just hooked up with boys once and later became their friend

24. What was your favorite TV program?
project runway!!!! and what not to wear

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yep

26. What was the best book you read?
well i've read a lot of books this year if you count photo books...i guess the best fiction book i read this year was how soon is never by Marc Spitz

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
metric and bjork

28. What did you want and get?
to get into and go to sva, to have a boyfriend

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i didn't really see that many movies that came out this year because movie theaters cost too much

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i hung out with david krause at the dunkin donuts in west orange and i turned 18.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
alcohol

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
fucking awesome

34. What kept you sane?
ha......i have no idea but it was something amazing i can tell you that

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
scarlett johannsen.....she's so fucking gourgeous

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the war in iraq probably

37. Who did you miss?
gosh i don't know because as i'm doing this i'm only really thinking of the past five months and not as much the entire year....so it's possbile there was someone i terribly missed (though i doubt it) and just can't remember cos i'm too drunk

38. Who were the best new people you met?
all my new friends....wesley amanda aly lauren ellie anna will adrienne jim alex pat LJ dee chris michelle megan josh sarah

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
if you don't think you're amazing then no one else will

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
i'm sick
you're tired
let's dance
jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

Time:1:47 pm.
seriously, how can anyone like cilantro? it is the worst tasting herb in the world and unfortunately is used in a lot of texas-mexican cooking or just mexican cooking and that fucking sucks because i like mexican food and i HATE cilantro. it just..tastes disgusting and smells disgusting and isn't even as cool as parsley, which has historical references dating back to biblical times...it also reminds me of the way my grandmother used to smell which is gross.
3 beliefs| jesus died for his own sins, not mine.

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