mos stef (steviescreams) wrote,
mos stef

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i feel like a hack. like maybe i don't have any talent at all and i've just managed to fool everyone, including myself, that i have talent. that maybe my work is just bullshit, and there's nothing special and unique about it.
am i right? i don't know. i don't know, i feel like i don't know anything. i feel confused and unsure of everything. my dad's really good at doing this to me. i was feeling okay a few days ago.

i hate digital photography and i hate tabloid photography and i hate my father and he doesn't know anything about anything, he has no friends and no life and just makes shit up in his head. but i'm an offspring of him, so i must have characteristics of him in me, so isn't there a part of me that might go down the same path that he's chosen? i'm scared and i don't know waht i'm doing in my life and all that shit and i wish i didn't have to think about this but apparently i don't have time to relax and just chill for a month or so because that doesn't exist to my dad. he fucked up my brothers but they ignored him and did what they wanted to and slacked up and fucked up and smoked so much weed that they didn't have to think about it anymore. but i'm not like that, i chose to do what i'm doing, knowing how risky it is not to have a career in what i want. i'm the one who did really well in my last year of high school, and my first year of college, and up until my dad found out how well i was doing in school, he didn't think i would amount to anything, and that i should just go to a crappy state school where i wouldn't learn anything and sink into a hole of depression. he didn't care. all of a sudden i get good grades and i'm perfect to him, but i'll never be perfect, i'll never be what he wants me to be, and i won't be what my mom wants me to be, and i kind of know what i want but what i want the most is to stop having my parents' ideals in my head all the time because it just fucks with my head and i get all confused. with my dad i had to grow up too fast and my mom tried to slow everything down but it didn't work, we're all fucked up, and that's why i get like this sometimes. i just want to create perfect things. i want to create perfect solid lovely images that make someone feel something, even if it is a commercial image, that's fine. i want to create perfection, i want to do that for me so that even if everything else in my life is bullshit and fucked up and confusing and hard at least that one thing that i made, that i did, just me, is right. if just that is okay, i did a good job, it was right, that's what i want. i don't want to fail or fuck up and yet sometimes i can't help doing that, i can't keep everything in perfect order because i know i don't believe in that absolutely. i want to be able to chill and i can't. i feel like i'm stuck in between two separate worlds and they're tugging at each other but at the same time they're nonchalant, they ignore me, they don't care what i'm doing until it affects them. it's literal and figurative and really real.
maybe something in all of these words relates to why i like surrealism.
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