this too, is how memory works.
printing, talking to my father. simple thoughts about how moronic i think he is, and how much i wish i was doing other things. how i think about high school and photographs i've taken, what i want to take, where i was, sitting in my car at the riker hill art park drinking coffee and talking to julianne. how when we were younger she always posed for pictures and now she hates it when i take her picture. "taking her picture" sounds like such a proccess....i'm mostly just clicking a button at a certain point.
i think, how it's not that i miss livingston, i might miss new jersey, but mostly i just miss growing up.
i'm still growing up and i don't know shit but it's like i'm settled now in some certain place, because i'm living here in manhattan and going to this school where everyone talks about what they're doing all the time, who they know, who they're interning with, where they're living next semester, etc. how they got the best apartment for the cheapest price in this new up and coming neighborhood. meanwhile i'm trying to decide if i have enough money on my credit card for a bagel. that's okay, isn't it?
it's like it's not okay to be struggling and not sure, in this day and age in this city. i really want to leave, but then i can't leave. i'm going to florida next week for four days with Josh and my mom. i'm really looking forward to that. i really miss last summer. that's when i felt like i really lived here. i was always broke but it didn't really matter, i had such a flexible system and i didn't feel so stressed all the time. maybe i should have photographed(worked) more...but i had no place to print. when i'm not photographing i miss it, when i have to churn work out like a machine i feel overloaded and uncreative. i feel like it's all bullshit. that's really the truth. i like being at school though, it's so comforting. it's like my second home. this building, this floor. i'm here about five days a week. on the surface i complain but i love doing it.