david bailey

(no subject)

The general motif in my life, on and off for the last few years, has been, what am i going to do? where am I going? am I spending my time properly? am I getting enough done? don't worry about getting things done, just enjoy yourself, don't go out, don't spend money, go out spend all your money and come home in a cab with a hangover and an empty wallet. Etc.

This evening I spent reading some old, and I mean, eight years old, live journal entries. First it started because I was hoping to find a list of bands that I used to listen to, all the pop punk I thought I was still listening to in high school. But as I read on and on I realized that I pretty much gave up pop punk in eighth grade and moved onto emo, hardcore, punk, crust punk and ska. That aside, I realized how much time I spent being angry, being defensive, nurturing childish emotions, telling everyone(in my head and on the internet) to suck it, to fuck themselves, that I hated them, that I hated all people, and they could die horrible fiery deaths, apropos of nothing. Also I would complain about how fat I was. Situations I can't even remember now, which is probably for the best. If I could have a HUGE talk with myself from the ages of 15-19, at the still tender age of 24, I would first just want to sit down and hold my own hand and cry until I started to laugh, or vice versa. Because NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. And I am a pretty lucky person, with a lot of advantages that I obviously took for granted. And I knew this then, but I didn't want to say it out loud, for fear that those simple things would be taken away from me. I wish I had learned early on, either from my parents or just a strong female mentor that believed in nurturing and empowering slightly troubled young girls, that the way I looked was just fine, and that if I wanted to be healthier in body and mind, there were several things I could do. And I didn't have to try so hard to want everyone to like me, and the version of myself that I thought I had to be to get people to like me was this cruel hearted, oversensitive monosyllablic sad loner looking kind of a bitch, actually. I know, I know, everyone is awkward in high school, and if you're not, then there is something wrong with you. The problem with being so insecure and having low self esteem and no self confidence when you're so young coupled with a drive to be different and interesting amongst a sea of thin and optimistic guppies is that, when you finally leave the conformist environment to find yourself or do what you think you want to do, those feelings don't just go away. They get easier, my god have they gotten much much easier, but they are still there underneath the surface. I like myself alot more now; I'm proud of what I've done with my life, and at this moment in time, I'm happier then I've been in years. I have a boyfriend that I love and that I've been in a committed relationship with for three years; I graduated from art school and am contemplating graduate school, which, at seventeen, I doubted very much that I'd even get past the first semester; I've been more or less financially independent since I graduated school and have supported myself through several apartments and jobs, which is more than I can say for about 80% of the people I know; I've made lots of friends, been through lots of friends, and had a pretty good time with all of them; I still take photographs and still want to be a photographing artist with my work in MOMA someday; I listen to a lot of different music now and sometimes I even miss new jersey, until I go there and realize I'm just in love with a bruce springsteen song; I toughed it out as a line cook for a year, which I never ever thought I'd do but I did.

Half my problem was, is, that I don't think I've ever had that much direction. I knew(and I know) that I wanted to be successful, have enough money to support a somewhat bohemian lifestyle, be an artist regardless of medium, be independent, and live in New York. But beyond that, I never thought of a definitive life plan. "this is where i have to be by the time i'm thirty" plan. now that i'm almost in my "mid-twenties", I've been scaring myself in thinking that i have to make some decisions, I have to shape my life up and do more with it. Too much time spent sitting on the computer, withdrawn from real life. I have to shoot more, print something, do more, work more in the right direction.
All I really wanted, what I really want, is just to be happy. I still don't know how I'm supposed to do that, what I can do to simply accomplish that; because it's not like, just give me an ice cream cone and call it a day! find joy in the simple pleasures! I wish i was that free-flowing; I'm sure it would have made my life a lot easier. When I came here I found the kind of friends that I'd dreamed of finding since I was crying myself to sleep at fifteen. But along that way I've become WAAAAY more comfortable with myself and my choices and have stopped apologizing so much for who I am. For example, I recently learned that I can't work for someone that I don't like and/or respect on a personal level. If I wouldn't be able to be honest with them about something that was bothering me or if I felt like they didn't respect something I would do or say, I can't just look the other way and still accept their offer of a beer after work, as much as they think that an offer like that is a band-aid for mistreatment of employees. Of course, ten years ago I didn't recognize things like this. Today, when I go to an interview and I see a warning sign of the woman who would be my boss pulling the hair of an employee to "teach her a lesson", and the employee responds by calling her a cunt, that's not a place I want to work in; I want to change my shoes, take off my chef's hat and go home. Even a year ago I would have been too shy to admit this to myself; I would have made excuses and told myself to make sure to not provoke the boss into pulling hair, because I knew that I would cry and then the shit storm would swirl around.
Which isn't to say I can't take a joke, because I see how that could be seen as a joke to others. It was funny, I'll admit. It just seemed hostile. After being called "bitchy" by my last boss though, I'm all for avoiding confrontation in a basement kitchen at all costs.

For the record, my current dream job is to work on the HBO show "Girls". In all capacities.
david bailey

(no subject)

At school is maybe the only place i feel really at home and at ease. printing and sitting at the computers, having my effects around me, sitting in imposed comfort.
it occurred to me today the comforts that we surround ourselves with to pad ourselves, make us believe that we are impervious to the world's suffering, problems, issues. we are not daily affected by world wars, countries on the edge of emergency, below the poverty line, the plunging international economy, the unavoidable recession and unemployment rates that soar daily....and it doesn't even make me personally more depressed to write this, it's just the reality. last night chris and i sat watching the bbc world news, and remarked about how they threw in a story about hassidic diamond merchants just as a means of distraction from the major headlines. and i'm still not exactly sure what's going on in georgia. they still haven't seceded or been recognized as an independent nation? last night it was explained on the news that there are also problems in the ukraine with the russian population and their want to be recognized in the country. i think that was just a byline though.
so with all that in my head i went to bed and started reading the seventh book of the harry potter series. not necessarily uplifting, considering all the trouble in that book. i couldn't help but start to compare the state of the world to the many plots of harry potter. yes and no, perhaps. i mean, clearly, everything will turn out alright in the end, i know that, i think everyone knows that, but the interesting times are proving to be the most worrying of all.
I got woken up this morning by Corinne's alarm clock, beeping away down the hall behind her closed door. Who knows how long it had been going off...I was only woken by it at 9:04 am. It could've been going on for two hours...anyway I couldn't get back to sleep after that and I really wanted to. I feel so sluggish now. I had espresso and coffee and breakfast and I still feel tired. And gloomy. Riding wasn't even that enjoyable today; I need new brake pads. Soon. They're really starting to wear down. I suppose on Monday I could go to Continuum and get new pads.
The good news right now is that I found a new apartment on Bushwick Ave. and I'm giving Antoine ( my new roommate) a check for part of the deposit on Sunday. And yesterday I got some printing done. My nerves are shot at usual and I'm trying not to get too upset about things I can't control. I desperately want to change something, to break out of this comfortable world and try to change something for the better. My mom said that she would give me some information from her friend who travelled to the Ecuadorian rainforest and volunteered for some kind of organization...if it's just cleaning up a rainforest I'm not too down with that, I'd rather do something bigger that presents a bigger challenge, where the cause and effect is more apparent and more current.
My computer is broken, my ipod is broken, it's my last year of college at SVA, I'm working on a portfolio of sorts, I work at a coffee shop, I'm tired and feel tense almost all the time. I haven't felt comfortable at home since I moved away from henry street. I wonder if that's just me, if I've made it that way, if and when I can feel comfortable again and what I'm looking for. Maybe I just make myself sick with worry and nerves and stress about all things. And then I want to lean on my friends for support but they don't know how to sort out my brain. I guess I shouldn't expect them to...I just make myself crazy. And the wanderlust I've felt on a regular basis since I was fourteen really wants to act. But I've made excuses for myself not to go anywhere. I let myself stay in safe comfortable positions of somewhat security, though I'm not always satisfied at what I'm doing. And I keep wanting to bike message.
Ok I have to stop thinking about all this stuff, I'll never stop if I keep going.
Off to work and other things.
  • Current Music
    Tunng, Bob Dylan, Ray Lamontagne
david bailey

(no subject)

When I think back
On all the crap I learned in high school
It's a wonder
I can think at all
And though my lack of education
Hasn't hurt me none
I can read the writing on the wall

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's
a sunny day
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away

If you took all the girls I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together
for one night
I know they'd never match
my sweet imagination
Everything looks worse
in black and white


..but i prefer

over:

and i don't shoot slide, however...

he does have a point.

this looks like a norman rockwell painting.

p.s. i might be having a show at this restuarant on 4th ave in manhattan. i'm excited.
david bailey

(no subject)

sometimes I think I miss doing drugs, and then I watch the montana meth project advertisements on youtube, and I'm really, really glad that I don't do drugs anymore. It makes my face contort into one of pain and shock and fear...it's like the crack of the 21st century, I suppose, when people talk about a meth epidemic...it's just not as talked about here on the east coast because it's affecting the rest of the country.
i was thinking about that earlier too, how new york is so isolated, outside of the fact that it's an island. it's a microcosm...on the news today they were talking about the great nor'easter storm thing that's happening, and it's supposed to rain for the next few days before it stops. and i was watching and i was getting kind of scared and thinking about global warming but then i had a reality check because i was in the laundromat, watching tv, and i heard the chinese ladies that run the place talking and referencing the tv...and i wasn't sure what they were saying because it was in chinese but i'm pretty sure it had something to do with the storm as well as the houses and businesses that are being flooded in the long island and new jersey, not everything but a lot of places especially along the coast, and i feel like they were probably saying oh wow, the news here is kind of blowing this up and it is a big deal but this kind of stuff happens often in other states in the U.S. and we don't talk about it here because it doesn't affect us. Hurricanes and storms and earthquakes happen in China all the time and it's considered common...but what I mean is that in New York everyone's freaked but it's not that crazy, it's not that terrorizing, it happens, and yes, the weather is more extreme now because of global warming that's making itself more apparent but it's kind of natural that it's happening.
anyway, writing that has calmed me down a bit. i put a puzzle together today, it's a picture of a bunny sitting a computer. it's really cute.
i really like the rain but not when it negatively affects people's housing and business situations.



a photograph from fall semester.
  • Current Music
    i can't stand the rain-missy elliott
david bailey

photo seminar

does anyone have any recommendations for who to take for Photo Seminar? I have Eric Weeks now but I was thinking about Elinor Carucci....any and all advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks!
  • Current Music
    world inferno
david bailey

(no subject)

thoughts:

this too, is how memory works.

printing, talking to my father. simple thoughts about how moronic i think he is, and how much i wish i was doing other things. how i think about high school and photographs i've taken, what i want to take, where i was, sitting in my car at the riker hill art park drinking coffee and talking to julianne. how when we were younger she always posed for pictures and now she hates it when i take her picture. "taking her picture" sounds like such a proccess....i'm mostly just clicking a button at a certain point.
i think, how it's not that i miss livingston, i might miss new jersey, but mostly i just miss growing up.
i'm still growing up and i don't know shit but it's like i'm settled now in some certain place, because i'm living here in manhattan and going to this school where everyone talks about what they're doing all the time, who they know, who they're interning with, where they're living next semester, etc. how they got the best apartment for the cheapest price in this new up and coming neighborhood. meanwhile i'm trying to decide if i have enough money on my credit card for a bagel. that's okay, isn't it?
it's like it's not okay to be struggling and not sure, in this day and age in this city. i really want to leave, but then i can't leave. i'm going to florida next week for four days with Josh and my mom. i'm really looking forward to that. i really miss last summer. that's when i felt like i really lived here. i was always broke but it didn't really matter, i had such a flexible system and i didn't feel so stressed all the time. maybe i should have photographed(worked) more...but i had no place to print. when i'm not photographing i miss it, when i have to churn work out like a machine i feel overloaded and uncreative. i feel like it's all bullshit. that's really the truth. i like being at school though, it's so comforting. it's like my second home. this building, this floor. i'm here about five days a week. on the surface i complain but i love doing it.

  • Current Music
    giant drag-hearts and unicorns
david bailey

the year in review.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
a few kinds of drugs, lived in an apartment with several roommates, thoroughly enjoyed my birthday, coat check at a bar, depended on my father for money...etc.


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i didn't make any resolutions last year, but i intend to make some for the next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes, and it was quite sad.

5. What countries did you visit?
none


6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
i think it's the same things as last year; a reliable, kind boyfriend, and a better portfolio.


7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
august 28th, the day that erica died....and the two weeks in november when the only thing i could think about was anna song in the hospital.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting an apartment in manhattan, making it through the third semester of sva.

9. What was your biggest failure?

...don't know..just personality flaws.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not really


11. What was the best thing you bought?
i can't think of anything significant that i've bought in the last year that has majorly improved my life...i've been spending my money on the same things for the last year; food, coffee, american apparel clothes, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
no one

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
anna's

14. Where did most of your money go?
coffee and american apparel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the start of my second school year at sva

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
pitseleh by elliott smith
bridges and balloons by joanna newsom
the whole "begin to hope" album by regina spektor

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? a bit sadder, a bit lonelier because it's christmas eve.
ii. thinner or fatter? about the same
iii. richer or poorer? about the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
gotten out of new york

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
complaining

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
tomorrow i will be spending christmas alone for the most part, then going to new jersey where my mom will pick me up, and my brother and i will eat food, smoke pot preferably, and watch the christmas story marathon on tbs.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
no i did not.

23. How many one-night stands?
one, but it turned into a two night stand. that counts.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
i didn't have a tv for seven months of 2006, but i did and do watch an awful lot of degrassi.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate is a strong word, i guess i don't really hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?
i finally finished The World According To Garp which was pretty great.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
joanna newsom, mirah, elliott smith, regina spektor, tapes n tapes, and architecture in helsinki.

28. What did you want and get?
i wanted to move into an apartment, and i got that. i wanted a better portfolio, and got that. but i'm looking towards the future.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
hm...little miss sunshine was pretty great.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i had a birthday weekend extravaganza...i hung out with oscar and dennis on the actual day on st. marks and some bar called detour, then lucia and lauren threw me a party and most of my friends showed up, and then my mom and my brothers came into new york and we had brunch at this cute french/american restuarant. i turned 19.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
someone to lurrrve

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
american apparel hipster sva vintagey stuff.

34. What kept you sane?
photography

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i don't really know. i didn't get really get into celebrities this year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
well, the environmental crisis is scaring the shit out of me right now.

37. Who did you miss?
my family and certain people at different times

38. Who were the best new people you met?
len delessio was pretty cool

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
cocaine and alcohol is a bad combination, as is dwelling on drama with friends and stuff of that sort because in the end, it's not important.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

daddy was a bankrobber
but he never hurt nobody
he just loved to live that way
and he loved to take your money.